His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
