You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
