I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
How naked do you want me to be?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
