By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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