I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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