I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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