in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
