i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
