Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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