mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
