He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
