it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize