Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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