His pubic hair was longer than his dick
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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