I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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