I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
ugly people sure do ruin things
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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