a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Randomize
