I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
