As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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