I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
