We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
