i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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