yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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