How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
