Cold hands, warm shart.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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