you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize