You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
is that a dick in a sweater?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize