This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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