i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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