I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
