You made me cry and you don't even care
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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