Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
