me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I want to fling myself into the sun
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
