i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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