I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
