I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
