oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
