We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
