i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
