Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
