Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Randomize
