It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
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