he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
