I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize