if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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