i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Randomize