All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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