I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
