She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
