I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
