Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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