Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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