I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
