Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
