What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I am one with the molecules
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Text me some of your sweat
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
