so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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