Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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