nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
