new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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