Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
