help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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