so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
