Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
