Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize