cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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