the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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