God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
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